I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
