Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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