I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
