Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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