its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
