Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
time to smoke my breakfast
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
