I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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