Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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