you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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