if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
