C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
