My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
