do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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