Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
