A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
