Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
