I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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