I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
