Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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