if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Your penis caused this!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
