i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
