When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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