My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i need some magic done to my vagina
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
