Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
