I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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