my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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