Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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