I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
