is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
