He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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