Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
