Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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