I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
