Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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