I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
