party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
