Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
