did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
