the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We're not piercing ourselves today.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
