Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
