am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
