So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
