you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
