Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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