Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
