I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
