sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
