When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
