She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
