I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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